CHAPTER 5:

[Sat May 27 20:55:47 CDT 2000]

[Mike]: So did everyone get their Rob picture in the mail?

[Baer]: Rob's a badass.

[Mike]: Yes. Rob is, in fact, a badass.

[Baer]: Hey Mike, Rob and I conferenced on the phone today and decided on a change of plans.

[Baer]: Instead of wandering through the woods aimlessly hoping to chance upon a house that may or may not be the killers...

[rob]: we want to go back to town and blow the sheriff

[Mike]: Uh huh...

[Baer]: ... we'd like to go investigate some of the crime scenes and look for clues.

[Baer]: Oh yeah, we have a plan for the Ogre.

[Mike]: Um...should just Baer blow the sheriff or is this a team effort.

[Baer]: We chop of his head, tack it to a tree with a note that says...

[Baer]: "Dear Dirty Ogres....

[Mike]: LOL

[Baer]: ... don't ever come near my town again or I'll rape your women and kill you all...

[Mike]: Love, Sheriff Flinn.

[rob]: Kyle we could do a threesome

[Baer]: Love, Percy the Paladin... 942 Evergreen Terrace, Barstow

[Mike]: OK.

[Baer]: P.S.-- Your son's dead corpse gives a great skullfuck."

[Mike]: OK--you're in the woods.

[Baer]: We kill the ogre.

[Mike]: How?

[rob]: Yes KY time

[Baer]: I slash his throat why he is tied.

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=20 = [ 20 ]

[Baer]: Ooooh!

[Mike]: Again...

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=2 = [ 2 ]

[Baer]: D'oh.

[Mike]: suck

[Baer]: Mi diputs

[rob]: shucks out of KY maybe its butter time

[Baer]: I have no Idea What your trying to say

[Mike]: Will your actions change if he begins crying and pleading for his life as you approach him with your blade?

[Baer]: Yes.

[Mike]: Cuz that's what he's doing.

[Baer]: Rob will provide immediate translation

[rob]: Who's the King!!!!!!!

[Mike]: "Please, please, please..." MORE

[Baer]: Rob: "Aaaaaah! and then he said "noooooo!" and then he said "for the love of god!"

[rob]: so you want the roal treatment

[Mike]: "For Grummish's sake--don't kill me--I can get you silver!"

(Baer whispered to Mike): I'm keeping an eye out for anyone trying to take our flank.

[Mike]: "Money--we can pay you off."

[rob]: that has to do it

(Mike whispered to Baer): OK

[Baer]: Rob, ask who he means by "we" and what silver.

[rob]: who is we?

[Mike]: "My father is wealthy beyond anything you can think of."

[Mike]: "Release me--I will bring back money."

[Mike]: "Talk to my father--he will pay you to let me go."

[Baer]: I slash his throat, I don't care what he says, DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=8 = [ 8 ]

[Baer]: DAMMIT!

[Mike]: "Please, ple...AAAAAaaaaaaaaaauggh."

[Mike]: dies

[rob]: lets go to town as planned

[Baer]: I strip him from all things that were ours.

[Baer]: i.e., rope, whatever- I want nothing tracing him to us.

[Baer]: We clean ourselves of any signs of blood, etc.

[Mike]: Leaving the body to rot? Toss it in the river? Bury it?

[Baer]: Leave it- nature takes its course.

[Baer]: We need to get the hell out of here.

[rob]: Lets to the head on a stick with the note leading him to the sheriff

[Baer]: There could be more coming.

[Baer]: Let's get the fuck out of here.

[rob]: pussy Baer is getting the fuck out of here. SCENE 10

[Mike]: Where to, kiddies? [rob]: at least write the note

[Baer]: Back to town- THE GAME IS AFOOT!

[Baer]: After we're about a mile from the fight- I apply any first aid or gincoba or whatever to Rob's wounds.

[Mike]: OK.

[Baer]: Ginco-biloba

(rob whispered to Mike): we decided to have the spider die in battle

[Baer]: Aloe

[Baer]: Butter

[Mike]: Rob, your wounds have been treated. Restore one hit point.

[Baer]: What side of town were we on?

[Mike]: Dusk is falling as you reach that last encampment.

[Baer]: What side of town were we on?

[Mike]: I need d20 from both of you.

[Baer]: What last encampment?

[Baer]: What d20?

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=17 = [ 17 ]

DICE for rob: (1d20) : 1d20=3 = [ 3 ]

[Mike]: Where the ogres had bedded down.

[rob]: that sucks

[Baer]: You suck Rob

[Mike]: Baer, roll another one.

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=12 = [ 12 ]

[Baer]: Not bad.

[Mike]: Kyle--you feel like something is different about the campsite since you were last here, but you're not sure what.

[Mike]: Things are missing or moved or something.

[Mike]: Someone's been here.

[Baer]: Rob- search the perimeter while I scout out the sight.

[rob]: okay

[Baer]: I search more- for tracks- bear droppings-- twinkie wrappers.

[rob]: wepons are out

[Baer]: Weapons are out- crossbow is loaded

[Mike]: Rob--d20 DICE for rob: (1d20) : 1d20=18 = [ 18 ]

[Baer]: SWEET~ [rob]: that has to hit

[Mike]: Rob you find unusual animal tracks leading from the campsite toward town.

[Baer]: WE TRACK IT!!!!!! [rob]: can I estimate size of the animal?

[Baer]: Wait- did I see anything weird about the camp though?

[Mike]: Baer, once he points that out, you realize what's missing--all the garbage and leftover meat.

[rob]: I smell the track

[Mike]: Rob--the animal is something like a large wolf, but the feet are wrong.

[rob]: is it fresh

[Baer]: I laugh at Rob's feeble skills.

[rob]: you didn't find it

[Baer]: Can I look at the fucking track? I'm the Ranger after all.

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=6 = [ 6 ]

[Baer]: DIDN'T COUNT

[Mike]: Smelling the tracks, you detect the faint faint odor of baking. Like bread or cookies.

[rob]: Oh hay ugly women I found a track

[Baer]: What? Are you serious?

[Mike]: About the smell? Yes. Baer is no longer laughing at Robhammed.

[rob]: UUMMMM CCOOKIES

[Baer]: I also want to use my skills on the tracks- please.

[Mike]: Hold

[Mike]: OK--weird animal track.

[Baer]: Can I check out the track now?

[Mike]: Yes.

[Mike]: d20

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=4 = [ 4 ]

[Baer]: fuck

[Mike]: Doesn't matter. It's not like anything you ever remember seeing.

[Mike]: Like Rob said--it almost looks like a wolf, but larger and different.

[rob]: were do they lead?

[Mike]: Almost like a wildcat, but that's not it either.

[Mike]: They lead toward town. Baer determines they lead to town.

[Baer]: Rob- we need to catch it- it's going to murder again.

[rob]: Kyle lets follow

[Baer]: We may get more money if we actually stop it right before it kills.

[Baer]: I track it to town.

[Mike]: These tracks are maybe 2 hours old--it would have been here right after you left.

[rob]: we should try to get a head of the beast

[Baer]: That's spooky.

[rob]: maybe we can set a trap and get the element of surprise in the battle

[rob]: is it tracking us?

[Mike]: The tracks follow the little trail for quite a ways and then disappear.

DICE for rob: (1d20) : 1d20=6 = [ 6 ]

[Mike]: Baer.

DICE for Rob: (1d20) : 1d20=17 = [ 17 ]

[rob]: I start following a dog

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=16 = [ 16 ]

[Baer]: Well?

[Mike]: Where the tracks disappear, you soon find claw marks on a tree.

[rob]: how high mike

(Baer whispered to Mike): No- let's track it- we don't really care if it kills again- as long as we catch it. If we go ahead to town we may lose it. We don't even know if it's going to town.

[Mike]: about five foot.

[Baer]: Sorry Mike, I whispered that to you and Rob- not that it matters.

[Baer]: Five foot what?

[rob]: the scratch marks on the tree

[Mike]: Looking up, you notice torn leaves indicating that the thing took to the trees.

[Baer]: Do the scratch marks look like a passing thing, or did something climb it?

[Mike]: Oh--climbing.

[Baer]: Uh, can I climb trees?

[Mike]: Not with the cart.

[Baer]: Can I track it from the ground still, by broken leaves?

[rob]: I begin to scan the trees( ready to fight

[Mike]: d20 from both of you.

[Baer]: Crossbow is definitely still out and loaded.

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=10 = [ 10 ]

[Baer]: He's fucking with us man.

[Mike]: Rob--d20

[Baer]: Rob- you may be right. We could be out here all night trying to track this thing in the trees, meanwhile we go to town and try to cut it off. What do you think?

[rob]: lets continue to track (because were two wild and crazy guys)

DICE for rob: (1d20) : 1d20=18 = [ 18 ]

[Baer]: DAMN! WHY CAN'T I GET THOSE ROLES?

[rob]: found the biznitch

[Mike]: Hmmm. You can't find any more trace of it after 20 feet. Baer asks if the real Slim Shady would please stand up.

[rob]: what!

[rob]: did I need a ?

[Baer]: 20 feet up or out?

[Mike]: It seemed to be headed through the trees toward town.

[Baer]: Let's go Rob. Quick March.

[Mike]: 20 feet out.

[rob]: Kyle lets go to town quickly Baer tears off towards town, her wagon leaving scorches in the earth from the speed.

[Mike]: You get back on the main trail and realize it is finally full dark.

[rob]: I quickly jump on the wagon

[Baer]: jackass.

[Baer]: Me too.

[rob]: wee!

[Mike]: Baer slows down from the weight of the dark elf.

[Baer]: I make the spider pull us.

[rob]: go baby

[Baer]: Are we in town yet?

[Mike]: The spider tugs valiantly, but dies nobly from exhaustion after 4 inches.

[Baer]: Whee-hoo!

[rob]: it's slow going at first but down hill it the ticket

[Mike]: Then the cart rolls over it.

[Baer]: YOU BASTARDS!

[Mike]: And a bird eats it.

[Baer]: I'm with rob-- It the ticket.

[rob]: Hey they killed spidy

[Baer]: YOU BASTARDS!

[Baer]: We need to work on our timing man.

[rob]: DEATH TO THE WOLF (sword in air)

[Baer]: Okay, I get the bats to pull the cart now.

[Baer]: Then my blind lizard.

[Mike]: lol

[Baer]: YOU BASTARDS!

[Baer]: YOU BASTARDS!

[Baer]: Okay, we're back on the road to town.

[Mike]: ok

[rob]: Okay how about your so ugly that the cart simply runs on fear

[Baer]: Can I ditch my cart before we get in?

[rob]: you want me don't you

[Baer]: Do a half-ass job of hiding it (with Rob still in it?)

[Mike]: You recognize when you are getting near Barlow. MORE

[rob]: more what

[Mike]: You both duck into a stand of trees and cover up the cart.

[Mike]: Now armored and armed you head to town.

[Mike]: Any particular approach or precautions?

[rob]: can we here or see any thing in the town that might indicate trouble

[Mike]: Woo hoo--rob's thinking.

[Mike]: Yes.

[Baer]: What?

[Mike]: You see two lanterns in a field nearby and hear crying.

[Mike]: Very loud.

[Baer]: We run to it.

[Baer]: I see this turning into a bad Frankenstein scene.

[Mike]: As you get closer, brushing through the wheat, you see the farmer from earlier comforting his wife.

[Baer]: What else, any signs of violence?

[Baer]: Any fir?

[Baer]: sorry- fire?

[rob]: I ASK " WHAT HAPPEND ARE YOU oKAY?

[Mike]: She is wailing, and the body of their daughter is nearby.

[Baer]: Mike- "Yes a newly killed mink shawl is around the wife's neck."

[Mike]: The woman screams at the sight of you, and the farmer drops his lantern. MORE

[Baer]: Fuck.

[Baer]: This is bad, dude.

[Mike]: He brandishes a large sickle. "Stay back, damn you!"

[Baer]: This is so very bad for us.

[Baer]: Tell him we're here to help.

[rob]: We can help old man what happened [Baer]: Mike- I circle the scene- giving the farmer a wide berth- do I find anything else?

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=19 = [ 19 ]

[Baer]: Yes!

[Mike]: The mother throws herself over the bloody remnant of her daughters body. MORE

[Mike]: She screaming, "You can't have her! You can't!" MORE

[Baer]: As an aside, do we smell anything?

[Mike]: Kyle you stay wide, and the farmer's eyes never leave you. MORE

[rob]: I don't want you girl I want the beast that did this were did it go?

[Mike]: You both immediately notice the same tracks as before. MORE

[Mike]: Not near the body, but a ways off, leading back to the woods.

[Baer]: Do we smell anything?

[rob]: I the girl dead or a live

[Mike]: That baking smell is here again.

[Mike]: The girl is very dead. MORE

[Mike]: There is blood everywhere. MORE

[Baer]: Are we fighting the fucking gingerbread man?

[Mike]: It's soaked into the ground, splattered on the crops, soaked into her mother's dress

[rob]: no the CANDY MAN

[Baer]: Rob- stay with the farmer to assure him we want to help and get information- I'm going to track it while it's fresh.

[Baer]: Mike, I running after the tracks.

[Baer]: Rob- I'll shout like a motherfucker if I find anything so listen up.

[rob]: don't go far and don't be a hero Baer is a hero.

[Baer]: DAMN!

[Mike]: Before you can get anywhere, the farmer's son from before comes bursting into the clearing.

[Mike]: He is breathing hard and trying to say something. MORE

[Baer]: Fuck him- I need to follow the tracks.

[rob]: my guard is still up

[Baer]: Rob talk to him- I want to follow the tracks.

[Mike]: At the sight of you two, he stops dead and screams. MORE

[Baer]: What?

[Baer]: Okay- I'm not following the tracks- this could be bad.

[rob]: okay but don't go to far alone I don't want to loose you and if the beast comes back I don't want o be alone

[Mike]: Baer, you're just out of sight in the wheat when Sheriff Flinn pops into the clearing flanked by two big guys in armor. MORE

[Baer]: I stay out of sight.

[Mike]: They are moving at a full run. MORE

[Baer]: Moving a little farther out- hiding but watching.

[rob]: I'm screwed

[Baer]: you're screwed.

[Mike]: Flinn immediately shouts at Rob, "Don't move! I will shoot you without remorse!"

[Baer]: Don't bolt- do what he says.

[Baer]: He will kill you.

[Mike]: His biggest flunky has a huge crossbow out.

[rob]: I stand my ground

[Baer]: Mike has told me that he has no remorse about killing us if we act stupid.

[Baer]: I'm back up, and moving a little to the side, trying not to be obvious if someone wanted to try to find me.

[Mike]: Flinn: "Dobbin, search the area. Collin, don't let this one out of your sight."

[rob]: I need a moment to think ( Kyle any suggjestions)

[Baer]: Stand your ground- I won't desert you.

[Mike]: The littler guy (Dobbin) starts searching the edges of the clearing. MORE

[Mike]: The farmer starts crying, "Sheriff Flinn, there's two of them."

[Baer]: Mike- "Baer they have no problems finding you since you are shouting instructions at Rob."

[Mike]: LOL

[rob]: what do you want with me? were on the same team I am after the beast and the track s lead that way

[Baer]: I put my crossbow away as I hide- so I won't get shot on sight.

[Baer]: I have no weapons out- swords still at my side.

[Baer]: (sword and hammer)

[Mike]: Flinn's eyes narrow. His smooth narrow face looks stern. He looks at Rob, "Where is the dwarf woman?"

[Baer]: Okay Rob- this is going to seem stupid- but I have a plan.

[Baer]: Are you ready?

[Mike]: Collin (the big bastard with the crossbow) moves slowly toward Rob.

[rob]: she is off tracking the beast now do you want to waste time or do you want the beast

[Mike]: Flinn kneels at the little girl's body, pushing the mother out of the way. He looks at Rob. MORE

[Baer]: Without weapons drawn (showing no signs of aggression) Baer bursts into the clearing and shouts to Rob, " Robhammed, I found fresh tracks, it went off in this direction not long ago! MORE

[Mike]: Baer--d20

[Baer]: We need to follow it before the tracks get old." Baer suddenly realizes there are other people here.

DICE for Baer: (1d20) : 1d20=7 = [ 7 ] [rob]: no Kyle

DICE for Mike: (1d20) : 1d20=15 = [ 15 ]

[Baer]: I just got shot with a crossbow

[rob]: Kyle is still in the bush hiding

[rob]: if they take me in I need you to free me!!!!!!!

[Baer]: Dude- it ain't gonna work like that.

[Mike]: Flinn thinks for a long long moment.

[Baer]: Baer says to Flinn

[Mike]: "What tracks? Show me."

[Baer]: "Sherrif, look here's the tracks."

[Baer]: I show him the tracks.

[Mike]: Flinn points at Rob. "If he moves, kill him." Collin nods.

[Baer]: I say, "I'm a woodswoman. I can track this beast and we can hunt it down and slay it."

[Mike]: Flinn and Dobbin follow to where Baer is pointing.

[rob]: Flinn lets quit wasting time and go~!!1!

[Baer]: Baer says, "Sherrif, we have no fresh blood on our weapons or persons, you have to believe us. If we pass up this opportunity we are only giving the beast another night to kill again."

[rob]: befor anothe r dies

[Baer]: Baer goes to the tracks to show them the markings. She says, "Do you smell the beasts magic in the air? It's cloying!"

[Mike]: Flinn says, "You may be right. But I can take no chances."

[Baer]: Baer says, "Flinn, keep us under your guard MORE

[rob]: what chances?

[Baer]: "you escort us- we will need all of us to kill the demon. "

[Mike]: "Dobbin is my best tracker. Dobbin, follow this creature and find it's lair. You know how to call me."

[Baer]: "If we can no longer track it, you can bring us back and keep us."

[rob]: what?

[Mike]: "The two of you will come with me and Collin back to town."

[Baer]: What? Does this guy have a bat-signal?

[Baer]: Baer pleads again, "Sheriff, one man is not enough for the beast. We should all go."

[rob]: Flinn are you crazy you need our help to kill this thing

[Mike]: Flinn pokes the young boy, who startles, "Tory, fetch one of your father's horses and ride to town--send Sahni and her men after Dobbin. Go!"

[Baer]: Baer says, "Flinn, obviously what killed this poor girl is covered in blood from its violent acts. That is not us. Let's work together."

[Baer]: "Flinn, let's rid Barstow of this cursed beast once and for all. You are not frightened of pursuing it yourself are you?"

[Mike]: "No. I cannot have anyone but duly appointed deputies for this task."

[Baer]: "Then deputize us." [Mike]: "I believe you in my heart, but my heart has been wrong before."

[Baer]: William fucking Shakespere here.

[rob]: Kyle work it

[Mike]: "We have not time. You will return with us to the Barlow Court and we will see what Dobbin brings us."

[Baer]: "Flinn, with each precious moment you let slip by with your indecision the beast is another 10 yards away. Do what's right for the town."

[rob]: I give you my word as a Knight of the Stillisandi people that were are here to help

[Mike]: Your dice are all ones by now. Flinn's mind is made up.

[Baer]: "Dobbin will die like the others. Let Robhammed and myself put our lives at risk. If it's the bounty you want then we'll split it with you. It's not the money is it?"

[Mike]: Will you accompany him to town?

[Baer]: Let's talk about it amongst ourselves.

[rob]: Dobbin will not return he will die if we don't follow can you live with that Flinn?

[Baer]: Rob, what do you think?

[Mike]: I'm getting more coffee then. BRB.

[Baer]: Rob- you know Dobbins going to die. We'll be with Flinn, so they'll know it wasn't us.

[rob]: if we go to town other will die starting with Dobbin

[Baer]: Rob- I don't think they'll put us in jail because we don't have blood. Oooh, I got an idea...

[rob]: It could take alot of time before he realizes were right

[rob]: we can't lose this chance

[Baer]: Baer doesn't move and says to Flinn, "Sheriff, if you are so concerned, why don't we ask this poor family what they saw?

[Baer]: Let's try that rob, but I don't want to run and be hunted down like dogs.

[Baer]: You think I'm a pussy, don't you.

[rob]: right (all they saw was a dead girl) that's why they attacked us

[Mike]: Collin looks very pissed off and confused, but his aim never leaves Rob.

[Baer]: Did you see what I shouted to Flinn?

[rob]: we have to convince mike to let us save Dobbin

[Mike]: Flinn takes the farmer aside and they talk in low tones to each other.

[rob]: were so screwed

[Mike]: A couple of times, the farmer waves wildly and points at his house.

[Baer]: Baer shouts, "Ask the woman! Ask what she saw!"

[rob]: when we get back to town don't drop the soap

[Mike]: Finally, Flinn comes back to you.

[Mike]: "Let's go. I can't let you get involved in this." MORE

[Mike]: "IF you are telling the truth, then you tracking down some beast in the woods will only put my men in greater danger." Baer runs for the brush.

[rob]: how?

[Mike]: Flinn begins to head for town, and Collin is gesturing for you to follow.

[Mike]: Do you really run? Baer runs for the brush.

[rob]: right be hind you ( hiding in the dark)

[Mike]: Kyle.

[rob]: yes

[Baer]: yes.

[Mike]: Dice for Collin.

DICE for Mike: (1d20) : 1d20=17 = [ 17 ]

[rob]: no no no

[Baer]: The funny thing, Rob, is that I didn't have a crossbow pointed at ME.

[rob]: punk

[Baer]: Bye, sport. I'll try and break you out of the prison hospital. Remember that soap thing.

[rob]: did I mention I was doging

DICE for Mike: (1d8+1) : 1d8=3 = [ 4 ]

[Baer]: d20 for dodgeing

[Mike]: Baer, a 4 point bolt in the ass.

[Baer]: My ass??? fuck

[rob]: Kyle I will hand you your soap

[Baer]: I'm still running, dude.

[Mike]: Collin drops his crossbow, and metal sings as his sword comes out. MORE

[rob]: right be hind you

[Mike]: Flinn...

DICE for Mike: (1d100) : 1d100=16 = [ 16 ]

[Mike]: ...shouts, "No. Let them go."

[Baer]: Flinn is truly a puss.

[Baer]: Dude, just keep running.

[rob]: thank God

[Mike]: Collin gives a surprised and angry yell.

[Mike]: But no one follows you.

Continue to CHAPTER 6