Wil Wheaton: By Kyle
Let me introduce you to my new friend, Mr. Richard William Wheaton III. For those of you that don't know, Wil Wheaton is: (1) a former child actor who gained prominence with his performance in Stand By Me; (2) a Star Trek fan favorite for his role of Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: the Next Generation; (3) a published author (his new book is entitled Just a Geek); (4) a contributor to Dungeon Magazine; (5) a well known blogger; and...
(6) my new friend-- although he has a funny way of showing it.
Let me begin by explaining how I came to personally meet and become friends with Wil (see, I get to call him Wil because we're friends, the rest of you should call him Mr. Wheaton or Ensign Crusher). When I received last month's Dungeon Magazine, I did what I do every month when it comes in the mail: I poured myself a glass of white wine, drew myself a hot oatmeal bath and sat back to enjoy three more exciting and scintillating D&D adventures, which you get in every issue of Dungeon Magazine.
As any subscriber to Dungeon can tell you, Wil Wheaton has a recurring humorous game-related article at the end of each issue. When I read Wil Wheaton's article, I couldn't believe what I saw. The article itself wasn't important (a nice satiric piece involving a con in Vegas and Steve Jackson), but the title was "F*#! You, it's magic!" And no, "Fuck" wasn't in the title, it actually looked like that.
This title actually meant something to me. I thought it was a reference to an obscure comedian I saw over a decade ago on HBO (who used this reference ad nauseam in an act where he berates his audience). Still slick with bubbles and a little white wine, I immediately called Mike to see if he agreed with my assessment. He told me it was probably just some lame reference to the Amazing Jonathan.
I wasn't content with that, and decided that I needed to go to the source. I checked the article again and noticed that it had a reference to his website and his email: wil@wilwheaton.net. I decided to email him directly to see if he really was clever enough to have such an obscure reference, knowing that he probably wouldn't respond because he must get hundreds of emails per day from Star Trek fanboys. Here was my email:
To: Wil@wilwheaton.net
From: Kyle@animalball.com
Re: Hand or Pocket
I've got a bet with my brother that the title of your latest Dungeon article (F*#! You, It's Magic!) was taken from a comedian in the late 80s who had a whole bit about putting a red ball in either his hand or his pocket and asking the audience which it was. The audience was always wrong and the comedian would berate the audience appropriately-- "It's in the pocket! It's always in the fucking pocket! Fuck you, it's magic!"
I say the title is a reference to that comedian (whose name we can't remember), my brother says I'm full of shit.
Please help settle this dispute.
Kyle
Much to my surprise, he emailed me back within the hour with the following:
To: Kyle@animalball.com
From: Wil@wilwheaton.com
Hey Kyle,
You are 100% correct. I didn't think that the title would get past the editor, but that's exactly why I did it.
I ::love:: it when someone gets one of my otherwise obscure references. Rock!
Wil
Aha! I was right! And, according to Wil Wheaton, I "rock". (Although from the context, it is unclear whether it is me that rocks or just the situation generally.) Well, well, well. I hadn't had a brush with celebrity like this since Roger Ebert responded to one of my emails comparing Siskel to Betty White in the early nineties.
Perhaps it is mercenary of me, but the first thought that occurred to me was that there must be SOME way I could parlay this into weird publicity for Animalball Games. I immediately knew that I had to respond and build some kind of repoire with Wil Wheaton. So I waited until the next day and emailed this:
To: Wil@wilwheaton.net
From: Kyle@animalball.com
Wil- Do you have any idea who he is? Whenever I talk about it, everyone keeps thinking I'm talking about the Amazing Jonathan, but it was a guy with a british accent. This has been haunting me.
As an aside, I discovered your site today trying to find a way to email you my question. Very nice.
Kyle
In only a few minutes he responded:
To: Kyle@animalball.com
From: Wil@wilwheaton.net
I don't know who it is, but you're right. He is / was English.
W
Look at that. We have an "initial" relationship now. The trust was built-- now all I had to do was lure him to the site. I immediately went on the internet and discovered that the comedian was Greg Travis, the Punk Magician. I told Mike what was going on, and started a thread in the Kitchen Sink section of the forums, seeing if anyone knew who the comedian was. I instructed Mike to wait a day or so, then post the answer up. He "made it so." I waited a few more days and then emailed Wil Wheaton again:
To: Wil@wilwheaton.net
From: Kyle@animalball.com
Hey Wil, I posted up an inquiry on my website to see if anyone new who that guy was, and someone finally figured it out.
Thought you might be interested.
Kyle
It was perfect, he would click the link and subsequently end up checking out the site. Once he checked out Animalball, it was only a matter of time before he registered, right?
Wrong. Much to my amazement, he was able to resist the lure of Animalball. I waited almost a week-- no response. Clearly he was on to me. I decided that Wil Wheaton was too smart, too savvy and too skeptical to fall for my naive plot. It was at this moment that I realized I needed to put my cards on the table and negotiate with him directly:
To: Wil@wilwheaton.net
From: Kyle@animalball.com
Well played Mr. Wheaton. Well played.
You have clearly seen through my transparent ruse to get you to visit my role-playing website. I should have been more patient, spent more with the small talk, building trust before I provided a link to the site. But my impatience got the better of me and you clearly saw my last message for what it was: a cheap attempt to lure you to my website.
Well played.
So now I lay my cards on the table, Mr. Wheaton-- take them for what they're worth. My site, Animalball Games, is only asking for you to visit the site, poke around, then become a registered member and provide a complete endorsement for our products.
In return, ABG will provide you:
Our enthusiastic and sincere thanks;
An original signed copy of a publicity still of the founders of Animalball Games;
Free transportation to and from the website; and
A ceramic apple I sculpted fifteen years ago in my high school art class (shipping paid by ABG).
Obviously, these terms are negotiable, but this is clearly one of those win/win situations where everyone benefits.
I await your response,
Kyle
It was perfect! Who could resist the a signed picture of me and Mike? And the ceramic apple! Seriously, who could resist that?
I'll tell you who could resist it: Wil Wheaton. Three days passed and he didn't respond. I decided he needed me to sweeten the deal, so I sent him this:
To: Wil@wilwheaton.net
From: Kyle@animalball.com
You are a crafty one, Mr. Wheaton. When I first endeavored to find a way to lure you to my site, I never imagined I would be dealing with a master negotiator such as yourself. A crafty one indeed.
I am flummoxed by your sheer willpower and ability to refuse me a counteroffer. By your silence you have forced me to break the cardinal rule of negotiation-- you are forcing me to bid down on myself. You are a man with an iron will, Mr. Wheaton, and I respect that.
So I will make you a better offer-- one I know you will not be able to resist. Forget the free travel, forget the signed publicity still, forget our enthusiastic and sincere thanks. I now understand you are a man of destiny and these mere "trinkets" meant little to you. So instead I offer the following:
Animalball Games will provide
1) A short, positive review of your audioblog on the ABG message boards, to include the phrases "compelling," "witty" and "vociferous" in favorable ways;
2) A dedication in all future games published by ABG, to read "Thanks especially go out to W. Wheaton, who's support and encouragement made this product possible."; and
3) A ceramic apple I sculpted fifteen years ago in my high school art class (shipping paid by ABG);
In return you agree:
You will register with the Animalball Games forums under the handle "WilWheaton";
You will visit and post to the website under the handle "WilWheaton" on at least two (2) occasions; and
You agree that the founders of Animalball Games may, in casual conversation only, refer to you as "My close and personal friend, Wil Wheaton," for a period of not longer than two (2) years.
I eagerly await your acceptance of these terms.
Kyle
BULLSEYE! This offer had everything! I pandered to his ego, promised to lavish over his written product, and still included the ceramic apple. This was obviously a once in a lifetime deal. I thought that only a fool would be able to pass up this offer. But I was wrong because Wil Wheaton didn't accept it, and I know he's not a fool. Indeed, he's probably the craftiest negotiator I've encountered. He refused to respond. Out of alternatives, I made him my final offer:
To: Wil@wilwheaton.net
From: Kyle@animalball.com
You are a man of unprecedented fortitude! I make enticing offer after enticing offer, and still you refuse to even counter. You recognize the leverage you hold in this negotiation and you are determined to squeeze my absolute best offer out of me before even acknowledging the game. Huzzah, Mr. Wheaton. My hat is off to you.
You are a master gamesman, Mr. Wheaton. But know this-- I am a man of pride and after this offer, I cannot stoop to offering you anything else. You can take this or leave it, the choice is yours. So here it is, my final offer:
ABG agrees to give you the following:
(1) Naming rights to our next GURPs supplement;
(2) A twenty dollar gift certificate good towards any Animalball Product; and
(3) A ceramic apple I carved in my high school art class (shipping paid by ABG).
In return, you only have to agree to participate in an ABG-exclusive online chat reunion special of the original cast of "Stand By Me." I've sent feelers out to Jerry O'Connell and I feel confident Cory Feldman will agree. With your assistance, I'm sure we can convince Keifer Sutherland to come on board (cross your fingers).
This offer is good until revoked, but I'll warn you that I'm not a patient man. Please email your acceptance at your first convenience.
Sincerely,
Kyle
And so I wait... and wait... and wait. Two weeks I wait and still no response. I would think that he's fallen direly ill or is comatose, because there is no way he could resist this. But I quickly realized that he's still updating his blog. Hmmm. I've delved on this for a long time and have concluded that there is only one reason he continues to ignore me...
...the Borg have him and have possibly assimilated him. They must be using his latent memories to update the site. Damn Borg!
Wil Wheaton, once you get free of those damnable cyborg hiveminds, please email me at Kyle@animalball.com to let me know that you're ready to pursue your future with Animalball. God speed, Wil Wheaton. God speed.
I actually think Wil Wheaton was a pretty good sport for not sending me a shitty response or getting a restraining order against me. Support Wil Wheaton by clicking the following links:
Click here to purchase either of Wil Wheaton's books on Amazon.com, Just a Geek or Dancing Barefoot.
Click here to visit Wil Wheaton's popular blog, wilwheaton.net.
Or click here to search for Wil Wheaton memorabilia on Ebay.
If you have a suggestion for the next marginal/former celebrity, who is somehow connected to role playing, for me to befriend (no offense Wil Wheaton), email me at: Kyle@animalball.com.
