As you have probably surmised by this point in my article, I hate Star Wars. Not in the same way I hate Titanic (oh man, do I ever hate Titanic). To tell the truth, I actually liked the first two movies. Jedi got too cutesy, Episode One just sucked and I fell asleep in Episode Two-twice! But I don't hate Star Wars for the way it took a good movie and turned it into a 24/7 crap factory. No, I hate it for what it created -- the Star Wars phenomenon. An example:

Remember that scene in Empire Strikes Back where Luke is passed out in the frozen landscape and Han Solo finds him and activates Luke's lightsaber to cut open the taun-taun to stuff Luke inside and keep him warm? Remember that? Here's what doesn't make sense, if the lightsaber is a powerful manifestation of a Jedi's "force", then how is it that Solo could activate it? Solo wasn't a Jedi. I thought only Jedi could activate them with their inner power. So how did Solo do that?

What was that? You had an answer? Exactly-and you are the reason I hate Star Wars. Here's the list:

Let's just clear something up right from the start: Battlestar Galactica could kick ass over any of those sissy Star Wars factions. The Empire? The Rebels? No, wait, maybe you think the Ewoks would stand a chance? Please, the Cylons make the Stormtroopers look like Tweeky from Buck Rogers ("Be dee be dee be dee.")

I want all you Star Wars freaks to stop what you're doing and take off the faux jet pack you made out of two oversized thermoses you painted olive green. Boba Fett is not that cool. Why the fascination with Boba Fett? Isn't this the same moron who had a "wardrobe malfunction" and ended up careening to his death 'cause his jet pack didn't work? This guy is on par with Elroy from the Jetsons, but you don't all dress up in a blue hat and gravity boots for Halloween and sing Eep-Opp-Ork-Ah-Ah, do you? You might as well.

I know that we all used to quote our favorite angst-ridden teen movies when we were kids. But you're 30. Nobody cares if you can accurately give all the English-speaking lines from the scene where Han Solo plugs Greedo in the cantina. We don't want to hear your Chewbacca impression. We've seen the movies and we already know we don't like them as much as you do. You can stop now.

Do you realize that Trekkies beat you out by several decades? Do you? And somehow, standing next to you, they look socially acceptable. I mean, you make that woman who dressed up in her Star Fleet uniform for jury duty seem cool. Have you ever seen Leonard Nimoy's autobiographies? I swear to God, the first one was called "I am not Spock." The second one was called, "I am Spock." The third was "I May or May not be Spock, but at Least I Don't Live with my Parents Dressed Up Like a Storm Trooper." Doesn't that tell you something?

Princess Leia was hot. I GET IT ALREADY! Nobody needs to hear about what you would do with her in that slave-garb she wore at Jabba the Hutt's pad. You watch porn on the internet and you don't tell me about that (god willing).

Did you say something about Battlestar Galactica? Don't make me go all Lorne Greene on your ass!

It's not that hard to talk like Yoda, so stop doing it. Somehow randomly screwing up your syntax for a Yoda impression is cool, but no one wants to show off their Jar Jar impression. Meesah think you jackassah… never mind.

Why are you buying action figure toys and not taking them out of the boxes? Is it because it's a crappy toy? Or is this your informal "Star Wars 401(k)" investment plan? There's a reason Charles Schwab doesn't have a Star Wars portfolio. Don't you realize that George Lucas is ensuring that he will continually produce exponentially worse movies, and that by the time you retire your Millennium Falcon (Never Opened!) will actually have a negative value? Think it can't happen? Try to sell your Vanilla Ice CD at the used CD store. You'll see.

Prior to publishing this article, I asked one of our Animalball Developers (Thorn) to review this article and edit it for errors. After reading the Boba Fett material in #2, she wrote: "Okay, so I'm a loser. Here's the thing - the 'wardrobe malfunction' was his jet pack. So this here is kinda redundant/factually incorrect.... You don't want the Star Wars freaks to pick on you for your poor movie accuracy, do you? ;)."

Oh no, Thorn, I wouldn't want the "freaks" to pick on me. Especially for my inability to correctly describe the death of the all-mighty Boba Fett. God forbid.

And for the record, Thorn, I wasn't the one that called you a loser.

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