Written before the inception of the Safford Files, the following is a Classic Kyle Presents lifted from the Animalball Forums. I'd like to dedicate this episode of KP to a special someone who has "Not" ever visited the site. Enjoy.

You know, I've been building up to this one for awhile. I've mentioned it in all my other posts, but I never got around to actually writing this installment? Why? Because I came to the conclusion that it really didn't have to be said, did it? I mean, do I really have to tell you why I hate LARPS? Don't you already know?

And then it occurred to me, "But Kyle, you're an egomaniacal jackass who thinks that every thought that crawls into your brain is as valuble as gold" (and no, this thought didn't occur to me at three in the morning while feeding one of my many babies). And as I had this thought, it also occurred to me just how egotistical that kind of thinking is. I started to get depressed but then I remembered three things: i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggone it-- people like me.

So even though this is probably unnecessary, here are the reason's I hate LARPS:

They're LARPS. I mean, seriously. They're LARPS.

Even though I love role-playing, at some point in my head, I simply have to draw a line between playing a game and playing pretend. Isn't it true that LARPS are nothing more then what we did on the playground in second grade? You be Luke and I'll be Han and then we'll fight in the deathstar! And don't give me that crap that sometimes people role dice and stuff. Bullshit. Look, if you are actually having to crouch down and shift your Vader mask so you can see what you roled- that's just wrong. And speaking of which...

Any game that requires me to wear a costume is going too far. I have limits, you know? I'm already Farmer Ted from Sixteen Candles due to the fact I run a gaming website, but this is too much for me. First of all, any time I have to enlist my mom to sew boot covers for me, I've just gone too far. Second... well wait... just contemplate on that first one for a second... I mean, I have to ask my mom to sew something... damn.

Have you seen the goth LARPers on TV? Dressed in vampire clothes and doing their best Vampire Lestat while they try to seduce each other and conduct political coups? Am I the only one who doesn't understand this? If you want to go to the renaissance fair once a year and dress up, and drink grog, and fake joust-- that's cool by me. That's a party. But these Vampire LARPS, it's a little weird, right?

Where are the dice? Seriously.

They give the rest of us a bad name. Look- its bad enough that we're dressing up for the Star Wars premier and we secretly wish we were as cool as Neo in the original Matrix ('cause the sequels make Highlander II look like the Godfather II). But these LARPers are making "normal" gamers look bad.

Interlude:

Wait a minute, my phones ringing... "Hello?"

[murmur]

"How are you Kettle, did you want to tell me something?"

[murmur]

"Screw you, Kettle."

Mazes and Monsters: this was that bad made for tv movie with Tom Hanks where he was the Dungeon Master and ended up thinking D&D was real, and turned it into a larp, then killed himself. It was this kind of crap that got everyone thinking D&D was about demon worship. Tom Hanks- you suck. Oscar-winning-performance my ass.